Dear Men of the World

In the past few months, I've had ample opportunity to reflect on my dating life up till now. I will spare you the details of why (and save those for another blog post), but during this time of self-examination, I have felt the overwhelming urge to share my observations/thoughts/advice/experience on what I've learned thus far.

I originally came up with the idea for this post sometime in late October when I was trying to get rid of a guy who, for some unknown reason, seemed to want to date me. Of course, it is now mid-December, so for the past two months, instead of writing, I've settled for discussing my musings with friends (mostly girls) of mine. These conversations have led me to realize a few things: 1) Men need just as much guidance on dating as women do. 2) Much of that advice is exactly the same as it is for women. 3) For some unknown reason men seem less likely to actually heed such advice.

As a result, I have chosen to construct this post around specific advice, from my friends and me, to men about how to comport yourselves with young, attractive, intelligent women, like us. I also encourage other people (men and women) to share their own thoughts. This information needs to be dispersed, and quickly.

1) If a girl is taller than you (or shorter than you by less than an inch or two), do not make any snide remarks when she wears heels in your presence. Women care less about your height than they do about your attitude, and in most cases a good-natured sense of humor or ability to exude confidence and authority will make up for any *ahem* shortcomings you may or may not have. Besides, it's pretty difficult to not look like a complete asshole after basically admitting you suffer from a severe Napoleon Complex and only like to be seen with women you can, literally, look down on.

2) If you tickle a girl, and she asks you to stop, she means it. She's only laughing because of a biological reflex, not because she's having a good time or trying to be coy. But, of course, if you want to piss her off and run the risk of getting kicked in the nuts (accidentally or on purpose), by all means, proceed.

3) Never, ever say to a girl, "I want to kiss you standing up." Just take my word for it.

4) If a girl tells you she just got out of a relationship and therefore she doesn't want to date or be intimate with anyone right now, she means she doesn't want to date or be intimate with you. Period. This is not to say she's lying about just getting out of a relationship, but if she genuinely liked you, it wouldn't matter. The same advice applies to the phrases, "I just kind of want to be single for a while," and "Right now, I'm just looking for friends."

5) If you call/text/email a girl and she doesn't respond, she doesn't want to talk to you! If you continue to call/text/email her, you will still never hear from her, and, to make matters worse, she'll start making fun of you to all of her friends (and probably current lover). This rule also applies to ex-boyfriends, no matter the conditions of your breakup and former relationship.

6) It is your job, not ours, to supply the condoms.

7) Have a mind of your own. If you ask us out, make a plan for what to do. Don't wait for us to suggest something. Women want a man who can show them a good time. If we just wanted to go to our usual Thai restaurant and neighborhood bar, we would go with our girlfriends, and, most likely, have a better time than we would with you.

8) If you tell a girl she looks pretty, and she doesn't appear visibly flattered, she doesn't really like you that much.

9) If a girl wears a sexy outfit and then invites you back to your place (or goes to yours), that is your invitation to make a move. This does not necessarily mean she will sleep with you, but it does mean she has already considered it and probably shaved her legs that day.

10) Accents are nice, but they are not an excuse to talk about yourself all night. Actually, there is no legitimate excuse to talk about yourself all night.

11) Never talk baby talk to a girl or call her "mommy." (It's a sad statement on our culture that I even have to write that)

*special thanks to Sarah for some of the above suggestions